1 - Carly Fiorina. What's with that face? She looks like a tree shrew! She'll probably lay-off all the White House information technology support personnel on her first day, the calligraphers on her second, and close the the White House Historical Association bookstore her third. She'll spend the rest of the week chasing after bugs in the Rose Garden bushes. Save the dirt shrew? I don't think so.
2 - Ben Carson. What's with the whispering Jesus hushed tone bedroom voice thing? He sounds like one of those doctors that's going to stick it to you after he puts you to sleep. Then its bing! bing! know what I mean? You wake up and your brain stem has been removed and sold to a Chinese restaurant.
3 - Jeb! What's with the ! bing-boing-bong thing at the end of his name? What is he trying to do with that, corral the OK! magazine subscriber vote? He should change his name to Dud!
4 - What's with this Jindal person. The guy looks like a turkey leg that got left in the oven too long. Who wants an overcooked turkey leg running around the White House? He should go back to performing exorcisms on epileptics... or whatever nutty brand of hoodoo it is that he's into.
5 - Rand Paul, excuse me, but the Secret Service would have to cart you around in a Ergobaby sport carrier and install a booster seat in the presidential limo just so you could see out the window. You don't have a chance to be president, just go back to your backyard plastic slide and spoiled child playground set in Kentucky.
6 - Lindsey Graham, who is this guy? His poll numbers are like a state at which a cooled gas reaches its minimum value... absolute zero. He's to John McCain what Clyde Tolson was to J. Edgar Hoover.
7 - Chris Christie, he's like a Macy's parade balloon that got loose and crashed into the George Washington Bridge. He should be rolled up and sent back to Trenton or better yet find a new line of work... like standing in front of a salt water taffy shop in Seaside wearing a sandwich board.
8 - Mike Huckabee. Excuse me, I love the Bible, it's my favorite book, but wow, this Huckabee character, he'd turn the White House south lawn into a combination tent revival and camphor cure-oil bazaar and serve boiled squirrel snack wraps at state dinners. He probably believes that passing a baby through the outer rind of a hollowed wheel of cheese the day before baptism will secure the blessing of a prosperous life. I'm pretty sure the guy carries an acorn around in his pocket to ward off hair loss.
9 - Scott Walker? Where is he in the polls? He's a zilch. The Koch's need to buy themselves a new pocket dog. Huckabee should loan him an acorn. He's looks like a monastic friar with Bell's palsy.
10 - John Kasich? I don't know anything about him - except he worked for Lehman Brothers as I recall and I think we all know how that went - but I love Ohio, I love the Buckeyes, and Wright-Patterson Air Force Base, I really love the aerospace people - because as you know I'm a very successful person with a fleet of aircraft of my own - and the people of Ohio love me. If I'm elected president I will send John Kasich a Valentines Day card and a Success By Trump gift set which he'll have in time for my inauguration ceremonies in January.
++
11 - Ted Cruz. I like Ted. Ted likes me. He's behind me 100%. But I'd like to see an original copy of his application renouncing his Canadian birth citizenship before I ask him to be my VP. I'm also thinking, when I'm President, of appointing Joe Farah to the Supreme Court.
12 - Marco Rubio? I like Marco. He seems like a nice kid. Kind of a weakling but I think he'll have a bright future after he graduates from high school. What? He's how old? I don't believe it. I'd have to see his original long form birth certificate before I believe it. He looks like the kid from the lobby who brings me the Financial Times every morning.
