Mr. Fix It! 2016 - The New Jeb! Rumbles Into View

Things aren't looking good for the Jeb! 2016 Right to Rise charm offensive.

PHOTO-LEFT: Jeb listens as family, friends and hedge fundie billionaire donors tell him he needs to stop behaving like a doormat.

A few days ago:


Jeb Bush Tries to Reassure Jittery Donors After Lackluster Debate

“I'm not a soundbite guy,” Bush told the group, referring to the debate. “I'm a substance guy.”

Sure. This from a guy with an exclamation point after his name. A substance abuser is more like it.

“I wake up every day” energized about the campaign, Bush said on Sunday, according one of the donors in attendance. “I know how to fix it and I will fix it.”

The problem here is that the word energized doesn't fall within the quotation marks. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad Jeb rises every morning, but "I wake up every day" isn't exactly a winning campaign slogan unless you're running against a ground squirrel or some variety of facultative hibernator. And "I know how to fix it and will fix it" or "Jeb Can Fix It" is at least propitious. But first you have to know what it is that's broken. And I'm not sure it - whatever "it" is - is even fixable since there are some things that are simply no longer fixable. Like the 1919 World Series. You can't fix that because it was already fixed. And because it's been over for almost a hundred years. Kind of like Jeb's campaign which seems like it's been over for a long time too.

So now we have the "Jeb Can Fix It" 2016 tour

David Brooks told Chuck Todd (on NBC's Meet the Press) that he likes the "I can fix it" slogan idea:

DAVID BROOKS: But if I was him I would lead with his strength, and just say "I'm boring. I’m boring. Is our problem that we don't have too much boringness? No, it’s we’ve got too much craziness. And so I’m going to be your sedative. I'm going to be a laxative, I guess, to calm you down."

TODD: Well, that will now trend on social media.

BROOKS. Well, we go to people that can’t do anything because they’re just screaming at each other, I can't scream, fine." If that’s you want, fine, but I’m the guy, and I like this slogan that they’re adjusting to, "I can fix it.” And so I think he ought to say that and be himself.

"I'm boring, I'm boring" may be David Brooks's strength but I wouldn't put too much stock in what he has to say about its electioneering value. On the other hand "I'm going to be your sedative" to the tune of Joey Ramone's "I Wanna be Sedated" might be a nice touch in the event you find yourself running opposition ads against Ben Carson. Who clearly - to this point - holds the advantage in the race for "wanna be" Sedative in Chief.

Look. Jeb! 2016 is currently running behind a quack-remedy pitchman and self confessed attempted murderer (voluntary manslaughter at best). And - as well -behind an ostentatious metrosexual real estate panjandrum whose claim to military service amounts to protecting the New York Military Academy from attacks from the village of Cold Spring just across the river.

Neither Carson or Trump have any prior experience in government in any official capacity. Neither have ever been elected to office in any official capacity. Neither have any experience fixing anything governmental. Yet both claim to be the best choice for fixing Washington (whatever that might actually mean). It's a lot like watching a couple of guys who have never driven a car apply for a job driving a taxicab in New York City. Or listening to the guy at the garage who replaced the exhaust manifold on your truck explain how he'd go about separating conjoined twins. Fascinating to listen to but not really something you'd want to be any party to beyond that.

In the case of Dr. Ben Carson the man's seemingly cordial balm of fantastical hogwash has deprived Jeb! of the Rise Up With Jesus congregants who in previous presidential election years have supported candidates such as Pat Robertson. Meanwhile Donald Trump has deprived Jeb! 2016 of the Rush Limbaugh Super PAC dittohead disciples as well as the Fox News Super PAC fundamentalists. Especially those opposed to truculent femi-Nazi inquisitors like Megyn Kelly.

John Kasich on the other hand has decided to beat Jeb! 2016 to the rescue of the GOP's reputation (as far as that goes) where he - much like Paul Ryan's new pose in the House of Representatives - has taken it upon himself to assume a role similar to that of the Naval officer who arrives on the beach in the final chapter of Lord of the Flies. Granted, to little apparent effect to this point. But nevertheless effectively removing Jeb! from any first responder leadership optics he might have taken advantage of when it comes to restoring some semblance of observable sanity to the GOP's island of Wingnut presidential wannabe castaways.

So what's left for Jeb! to fix? What kind of fix is it that will fix it? Well, I'm not really completely sure, but here are a few things that I have put together that I think would help make matters less worse going forward. And since the Bush family and donors have recently arranged an intervention on behalf of Jeb's campaign I thought it would be gracious of me to offer whatever help I can give. So here we go:

First of all - adding another exclamation point to Jeb! isn't going to double the excitment. It will only increase the cost of printing and ultimately make Jeb himself appear less exciting than a cardboard yard sign. Putting an exclamation mark after Jeb is like putting any number of exclamation marks after the word tedious. Tedious!! It just makes tedious seem twice as tedious. Instead, I suggest replacing the exclamation mark with a semi-automatic rifle. I don't think any more explanation for that decision is necessary.

Second - Photo-ops of Jeb standing in line at the mall for a chance to meet Supergirl probably isn't the best way to appeal to the sizable number of Dittohead puffers that make up a good portion of Donald Trumps following.

I'd move Jeb to the Chic-fil-A parking lot for a meet and greet with one of those celebrity duck call primogenitors from TV wasteland as a way to appeal simultaneously to the faith based Pecksniffs and the prosperity-porn knuckledragger demographic. To set an example of joint venture opportunity for entrepreneurs Jeb! could announce the grand opening of the first Duck-fil-A franchise ever owned by a presidential candidate (or, for that matter, anyone else). Creating jobs! Promoting small business and innovation. Advancing the Bush "ownership society!" (using the term initially proposed by his brother George)

Also too...It might even be a good idea to have Jeb mingle with the crowd at one of Ben Carson's book signing affairs. At least momentarily. This would allow Jeb to coast for a time in Carson's current popularity wake. And allow Jeb to avoid any strong headwinds he might otherwise encounter from the religious right. Winds that might blow him off course or up onto another sandbar.

Third - No more photos of Jeb eating green leafy salads in peaceful earthy toned restaurantes. Rather, I would suggest a photo-op of Jeb grilling pork chops in front of a fracking rig in Pennsylvania. This is a winning proposition all the way around. Not only with the big money oil and gas donors who are already feeling queasy about the current direction of Jeb! 2016 but also with the climate change denier rank-and-file and the drill baby drill strip club and prostitution entrepreneurs. In other words both BIG and small business owners. Getting all aboard the air and water pollution for freedom oil train to kingdom come is always a forward position in any Grand Old Party parade.

Maybe even replace the exclamation point with an oil rig dingbat! Let's face it, if there is one thing you can't have too many of when marching in a GOP parade... it's oil and gas dingbats.

Next - Get rid of the "Right to Rise" slogan. Replace it with something like "Right to Rumble!" (with exclamation mark)




I Wanna Be Your Sycophant

Forget all that fretful hothouse orchid bullshit from whimpering delicates like Ted Cruz who can't handle a debate unless it takes place in an artificially warmed, overprotected, playpen. A squishy safe place where Sean Hannity (a fully owned subsidiary of the Fox News Super PAC) shows up with a toy-tote bag of politically correct safety questions and standard issue talking points that no bubble nurtured candidate will choke on. If Cruz and Carson and Trump want Rush Limbaugh to tee up soft spongy Nerf balls for them to hit over the right field playpen nursery fence then let them play that game. You - John Ellis Bush! - need to man-up for some real world hardball and hammer the liberal media fastballs right back over their own left field Jumbotron and into the streets beyond. Swinging at predictable pitches from the Sean Hannity chucking machine amounts to little more than practice for a fat mans softball game.

Look, we all know that a guy like Vladimir Putin - a guy who probably eats broken light bulbs at parties just for the fun of it - isn't going to wilt into a peevish twit during negotiations on the Syrian conflict just because he's being confronted with a line of query he finds querulous or unflattering. Putin would beat a foreign policy lightweight like Ben Carson unconscious with his own belt buckle fifteen minutes into any such debate.

Finally - I'm Dorky! isn't a winning look. So fix that. Lose the powder blue poly/cotton dress shirts and relaxed fit flat front khakis. For God sake you look like a middle management technical resource administrator who's facing the threat of reorganizational layoffs.

Get yourself a Kakadu Double Bay bomber jacket or a brown distressed leather A-2 Savage bomber jacket, worn over white dress shirt with dark red tie, a pair of stone Tactical Taclite Pro Pants (with external knife pocket) or olive green McAllister waxed field pants. Finish it off with a pair of Chippewa Wellington boots (with steel toe).

Bush said he was advised to stop wearing his glasses --- a suggestion he happily ignored. KWCH News

Lose the glasses. Substitute a pair of black split lens prescription biker goggles whenever you're out for a rumble among the public.

I realize that all of this may contain a hint of Storm Detatchment but - considering the kind of constituents you are trying to draw to your corner of the wingnut compound - don't worry about that. Have the American flag and an eagle clutching the words "I Can Fix It" tattooed on your right forearm.

And if that smarmy little fast talking embezzler Marco Rubio gives you any more lip you just step right up to him, grab him by the knot in his necktie, and pull him in close so he can clearly hear you whispering in his ear. Remind him that if he continues to be an asshole you're going to have your fix'it-man Dimitri (aka: John Negroponte) stuff him into a crab pot and fling him from a Panther airboat into the Big Oki. Just like Ronald Reagan and Poppy would'a fixed it!

And don't worry about anyone asking questions when Rubio suddenly fails to show up for work. We all know what his record is on that count. Worst case scenario you can always set up Ben Carson to take the fall for his unexpected disappearance (everyone already knows about that guys dormant homicidal tendencies).

Or simply blame it all on the the lame stream liberal media. Hey, stuff happens!

I hope some of these ideas may be of some use. If Danny Diaz needs any more help fixing stuff he should feel free to contact the staff of TWC (that would be me) right here in the comments section and I can walk him through a few more good fixes I have for Jeb! 2016.

For instance: I'd like to see Jeb! enter the 2016 Mexican Grand Prix Formula One race which is to be held next year on November 6. Jeb! could win that race for Team America First and two days later - November 8 / election day - win the Presidency of the United States! How's that for American exceptionalism? And Supergirl will be waiting for him in the winners circle (Dimitri will make it happen).

Let's Rumble! Grrrrrrrr.