Donald J. Trump isn't going to sit idly by while some little son-of-a-Canadian-mudskipper like Ted Cruz uses his wife Melanija as some kind of cheesecake cudgel to frighten the excitable pecksniffs of Christendom into casting calumnious aspersions upon the potential future first lady's estimable character.
The Donald has therefore issued an executive sounding communique via his Twitter uplink warning that any future torts will be answered with equally messy retorts.
Never mind that the Cruz campaign apparently didn't have anything to do with the now infamous G.Q. photo's latest adventure - it doesn't matter - because The Donald is just the kind of guy who tortures first and then realizes he tortured the wrong guy later. USA! USA!
See photo at left. You can't make this stuff up.
BELOW PHOTO: Heidi Nelson (Cruz) in "Dance of the Oryx" which she studied while touring Belgian diamond smuggler camps in Africa as a youngster. While at Harvard she performed the "Oryx" for the Savage Customs Jello Shot and Chowderhead Bash held annually for members of Harvard's prestigious Porcellian Club. Sure.
In any case... every angry punch drunk wingnut from one side of the dogpatch to the other is going to be dumping scalding hot beans in each others laps for days or weeks or months.
And speaking of diamond smuggling: here is a photo (below) of Melanija Trump counting some of the Trump family beans while (possibly) on her way to Key Biscayne. The potential future first lady may be (or maybe not) on her way to the Bebe Rebozo State Park to address the Boy Scouts of America's Tequesta District, 10 Commandment Hike and roast chicken luncheon held in February.
Nothing stirs the fires of Christian righteousness quite like hot beach chicken and a good hike. And nothing will get your little scout to stand up and salute in the direction of Mount Sinai quite like Mrs Trump in a pair of slutty high heels, fancy-lady sunglasses, and what appears to be the shredded remains of a gold foil space blanket.
I made up the part about the Bebe Rebozo State Park. But I didn't make up the part about the 10 Commandment Hike.
So, you might be wondering, what's really in the bean can that The Donald says he'll spill on Ted Cruz's wife if Ted won't stop posting lowbrow things he supposedly isn't posting in the first place?
Well, how about this. Take a look at these pictures below:
You see what I mean? Four of those pictures are of Heidi Cruz. Five are photos of Ann Romney. Can you tell which ones are which? It's not that easy is it. Now I don't think that Ann Romney and Heidi Cruz are the same person. That would be ridiculous even though I always suspected that Ann Romney might try to get into the White House any way she could. But that would also mean that Mitt Romney and Ted Cruz were spooning from the same can of beans! And that's just to much spilled beanshit to lap up in one spill. Even, I suspect, for a Trumpster lap-diver like Boss Limbaugh. But for Trump, convincing America that Ted Cruz and Mitt Romney are married to some kind of weird replicant pod people might just be the kind of show us the birth certificates to prove you aren't the same person story that got him on the cover of World Nut Daily, Newsmax, Volkish Brietbacher and so on... and got him this far down the road to the Republican nomination in the first place. Anything seems possible these days.
There is however one sure way to tell the difference between Ann Romney and Heidi Cruz. Only Heidi can correctly perform the "Dance of the Oryx."
And then there is this:
Benito Mussolini and Donald Trump. Can you tell which one is which?
Headlines from the Life-style Blog of an Increasingly Anxious Ivanka Trump - Dana Schwartz writes satirical headlines for the tense, uneasy blog posts that Ivanka Trump might write in order to hide her terror.
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