Any weird sweaty splooge drenched orgy that could involve Ted Cruz in any way - even if it involved hypnosis or powerful narcotics or the Russian Mob - seems like something out of a dumb Hollywood movie wherein a Barnabas Collins impersonator takes a rented limo full of strippers to the prom.
But what if it did happen as the National Enquirer is alleging.
Binders full of women and "their shocking claims"
The Enquirer has published a story alleging hanky-panky on the part of the presidential wannabe involving a quintet of blurry, beamer obscured, photos that represent the senator's supposed paramours. Teases the Enquirer:
SHOCKING CLAIMS: Pervy Ted Cruz Caught Cheating — With 5 Secret Mistresses!
The romps that could destroy his presidential campaign!
By J.R. Taylor
Mar 23, 2016
And the new issue of The National ENQUIRER — on newsstands now — reveals how the reports say the staunch Republican is hiding FIVE different mistresses!
“Private detectives are digging into at least five affairs Ted Cruz supposedly had,” claimed a Washington insider.
“The leaked details are an attempt to destroy what’s left of his White House campaign!”
Get the full list of ladies in Ted Cruz’s Mistress File — only in the new National ENQUIRER, on newsstands now!
Yeah, so, how does this work? Does Ted have a favorite motel where the front desk clerk knows him by name? "Good afternoon Mr Tremblay. Down from Saskatoon for another Bible confab? I see, well very good. Will it be the usual room with the view of the parking lot?" Or something like that.
Ted Cruz, for what it's worth, denies everything. Whatever it is.
Subsequently, three of the women have been identified by other "media" outlets including a Twitter outpost trumpeting the scandal. Something calling itself #CruzSexScandal has aired the identities of three of the confidantes as follows:
That's a lot of honey hu$h money if that is what it is. Interestingly enough again, Fiorina, after dropping her own presidential bid, has since decided to endorse the Cruz candidacy. Half a million smackers can buy a lot of smooches on the road to nomination gloryland. Meow.
Pierson, herself a one time congressional candidate in Texas, was apparently endorsed by Rafael Cruz, father of Ted, although any romance that may have existed at that time appears to be of the bygone sort given all of the latest sorted allegations.
Cruz told the Washington Post's Alexandra Petri, in March of last year, that his favorite food was apple pie. Of course it is. [warning! bold satirical blockquote ahead]
PETRI: What’s your favorite food?
CRUZ: Apple pie, I would say. I used to like Turkish Delight but that stopped after the White Witch released me from her servitude...
Whatever that means.
In any case, I'm guessing the Turkish Delight lost it's place at #1 when Ted announced his intentions to round up and deport all the Turkish cream pies in and around Houston. Hiding Turkish desserts in secret attics behind bookcases is now a clear and present possibility for the rest of America should the Cruz jihad breach the White House fence early next year.
I'm a little teapot. Short and stout. Here is my handle. Here is my spout. When I get all steamed up. I just shout. Tip me over and pour me out.
It's still unclear to me why Pierson would want to steam up Ted's little teapot unless she was looking for a little Cruzey-cream endorsement to add to her hot little congressional campaign cup back in 2014. If for some reason that kind of tea party did occur at some point in the past it wouldn't surprise me if a guy like Roger Stone were to take advantage of it. Any opo-tunity such a youthful indescretion might present - by leaking rumors of the occassion(s) to the National Enquirer for instance - would be right up the old tricky dicksters sleeve. Feed the Pecker PAC has a nice ring to it. Afterall, these kind of things don't just write themselves.
Katrina, for her part, is probably ok with the Mistress Files mischief making as long as The President Donald keeps his promise to appoint her charge d'affaires of the U.S. embassy in Havana. An appointment contingent upon her agreement to not only play along with the bump and grind rumor rollick but also promise not to steal any watches off of Mel's Rococo vanity table.
And speaking of delightful cream pies...
Next up is Amanda Carpenter. Carpenter's Twitter page profile reads: "CNN Contributor, Former Cruz comms director, DeMint speechwriter. Mommy. Wifey."
That would be former ad-man and South Carolina rep Jim DeMint who decided in 2013 to leave his dowdy low paid job as a congressman and run off to make whoopee with the well endowed uncle sugars at the Heritage Foundation.
Carpenter is also an author (if that's what you want to call it) of things with titles like this: The Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy's Dossier on Hillary Rodham Clinton.
Propagated by vast wingnut welfare clearing house Regnery Publishing in 2006.
Although Carpenter currently dresses up as a journalist on TV she is also a former senior communications advisor and speechwriter for Ted Cruz.
On March 18, 2016 Carpenter filed a missive - via some web encampment run by shrieky radio hysteric Mark Levin - called the Conservative Review - in which she called for the blackballing of "those who endorse Trump." Because, as you surely must know by now, POLITICAL CORRECTNESS IS DESTROYING AMERICA! Unless of course it's wingnut political correctness, in which case, USA! USA!
Blackballing Those Who Endorse Trump: By Amanda Carpenter | March 18, 2016
Amanda's mad mommy-wifey nurturing skills apparently brought out the needier side of Ted if the Enquirer's dossier is to be believed.
Well, ya know, feeding conspiracy dossiers can be a lot like feeding poisonous snakes. Don't be surprised if one day one of em jumps up and starts biting everything that wriggles into it's path. Where have I heard a story like that before?
That leaves two (or five) possible sweethearts left hovering in the unknown. I'm guessing Ruth Bader Ginsberg isn't one of them.
Trump, for his part, is pleading bewilderment at all of this bawdy whorehouse tarnish and has issued at statement - in the form of a tweet - just to be on the record:
I have no idea whether or not the cover story about Ted Cruz in this week’s issue of the National Enquirer is true or not, but I had absolutely nothing to do with it, did not know about it, and have not, as yet, read it.
Likewise, I have nothing to do with the National Enquirer and unlike Lyin’ Ted Cruz I do not surround myself with political hacks and henchman and then pretend total innocence. Ted Cruz’s problem with the National Enquirer is his and his alone, and while they were right about O.J. Simpson, John Edwards, and many others, I certainly hope they are not right about Lyin’ Ted Cruz.
I look forward to spending the week in Wisconsin, winning the Republican nomination and ultimately the Presidency in order to Make America Great Again.
- Donald J. Trump
The Enquirer isn't alone. They just happened to be the first to roll a body out of the clown van during rush hour on the Beltway. Various right wing media slop-shoots like Brietbart News and the Washington Times have been aware of the Ted-in-the-bed rumors for some time according to a Daily Beast story:
Breitbart News, the notoriously Trump-friendly conservative outlet, was also pitched the story of Cruz’s extramarital affairs, according to a source close to the publication. That source said an operative allied with Marco Rubio—but not associated with his official campaign—showed the publication a compilation video of Cruz and a woman other than his wife coming out of the Capitol Grille restaurant and a hotel on Tuesdays and Thursdays. But the outlet opted not to report on the video, which demonstrated no direct evidence of an affair.
“We got it from a Rubio ally,” said the source. “It was too thin, so [Breitbart’s Washington political editor Matt Boyle] decided not to run it. There was no way to verify the claims.”
Sharing a truffle crusted dry aged NY strip steak with a woman other than the wife doesn't exactly sound like the kind of thing that would get someone banished to the second circle of hell (even if there is video) but the hotel thing on Tuesdays and Thursdays could be a problem. Has anyone checked to see if there is a Mr Tremblay from Saskatoon listed in the guest registry?
Enquiring morons would like to know.