Thursday, August 25, 2016

Kellyanne Conway's Trump Softener - castor oil for the clogged conservative

TrumpReLax and ConwayLax: for soothing relief / alivio calmante of constipating hard right stool irregularities associated with being a right wing asshole.

May cause severe verbal and physical seizures in users with Alt-Right disorders.
Not reccomended for use in Mississippi, Louisiana or West Virginia as it may cause a substantial decline in electoral vigor among users in those states. Prolonged use of this product may cause confusion, anger, paranoia, depression, panic attacks, feelings of betrayal, and involuntary reflexive behavior such as the need to vomit into a Make America Great Again cap. Do NOT purchase ammunition if experiencing symptoms described above. If you experience any of these symptoms, or believe that you may be  becoming more unhinged than usual, please contact celebrity xenophobe Ann Coulter ( at first sign of discomfort.

(No orangutans were harmed in the testing of this product.)

Real Life Trump Supporters Who Use Trump Softener:

Dr. Ben Carson: "I use TrumpReLax daily myself. I frequently inject it directly into the temporal lobe of my brain, and would recommend it as a mandatory treatment for all aliens rounded up and detained within the United States."

Pastor Darrell Scott (New Spirit Revival Center): "It may not be apparent, since I look naturally constipated most of the time anyway, but I use Trump softener regularly. Especially to ease my own discomfort whenever I run into Caitlyn Jenner coming out of the women's bathroom in Trump Tower or when trying to remember the number of traditional marriages The Donald has created over the years."

Pastor Mark Burns: “After using the Trump/Conway ReLax treatment I discovered I could go back and use different wording that didn't sound quite as stupid as the wording I usually would use."

Omarosa Manigault (Director of African American Outreach for the Trump campaign) who once stated: "More importantly, every critic, every detractor, will have to bow down to President Trump," often consumes entire boxes of Conway/TrumpLax in a single day! As Omarosa explains: "I can safely take Trump softener along with my regular daily prescribed dosage of Perphenazine which I use to control hallucinatory delusions associated with my genuflecting, I mean work, work on behalf of the Fuhrer, I mean Trump!, on behalf of Mr. Trump... and the Trump campaign."

David Duke (Trump supporter and Republican candidate for US Senate seat in Louisiana) says: "I've used Trump softener with some success when applying clever semantic distortions to many of my own positions but I don't recommend its use when wearing white robes to fundraising events."

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Volkischer Breitbarter

Click image to view full size version

Let 'em eat Play-Doh

Donald Trump spends 49 seconds having non photo-op photo taken unloading Chinese Play-Doh from the back of a truck in Louisiana.

Then returns to plane to take nap. Doh!

Where are the truck loads of Trump steaks and pallets of Trump spring water? Or the Trump Home Velvet Berber Blankets?

What, no caviar moisturizer?

Did Chris Christie eat all the caviar moisturizer again!

Or some of these classy thangs right here (via WalMart). Take a dump on Trump!

To always, believe me, remind you who it was that made America great again.

Friday, July 22, 2016


[A] "genus of political ideology whose mythic core... is a palingenetic form of populist ultranationalism."
~ Roger Griffin, The Nature of Fascism (1991).


Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Kasich Takes Gowanus Canal!

To the buffet! - “We aren’t going anywhere but up..." ~ John Kasich, following his second place finish (behind Donald Trump) in NY's GOP primary race.

John Kasich beats up The Donald in the silk stocking district!

As of this writing John Kasich has 1,591 votes to The Donald's 1,057 with Ted Cruz wiping up at 271. It was closer in Midtown (where Trump Tower looms) with Donald edging out Kasich by 20 votes (Donald J. Trump 300 / John Kasich 280). For what it's worth: Hillary collected 2,260 votes in Midtown while Bernie totaled 1004. So obviously this is a great victory for Trump! Because... just because.

Across the bridge in Brooklyn Ted Cruz impressed the voters in the Hasidic Jewish neighborhood of Borough Park (Brooklyn) by winning there with 817 votes to The Donald's 576 votes. John Kasich pocketed 86 votes from Borough Park despite his best efforts to explain Talmudic genealogy and other stuff of local interest to the assembled chosen faithful.

But in the Park Slope / Gowanus neighborhoods of Brooklyn - did you know my that mother was from Park Slope... did you? Well, she was... - John Kasich hit the jackpot with 273 votes to Donald Trump's 241 and Ted Cruz picking through the ruins with 75.

What does any of this mean? Who the fuck knows. Who cares.

It's on to Pennsylvania where John Kasich will explain water bath canning and the internal combustion engine to the Amish!

Friday, April 15, 2016

Ted Versus the Serpent

Lascivious Texas court of appeals rejects Cruz attempt to whack-off head of silicone nooky monster.

From Mother Jones:
The Time Ted Cruz Defended a Ban on Dildos
His legal team argued there was no right "to stimulate one's genitals."
By David Corn
Wed Apr. 13, 2016

It [the court of appeals] rejected the argument from Cruz's team that the government had a legitimate role to play in "discouraging prurient interests in autonomous sex and the pursuit of sexual gratification unrelated to procreation." No, government officials could not claim as part of their job duties the obligation to reduce masturbation or nonprocreative sexual activity. And the two judges in the majority slapped aside the solicitor general's attempt to link dildos to prostitution: "The sale of a device that an individual may choose to use during intimate conduct with a partner in the home is not the 'sale of sex'

Cruz could have appealed the case to the Supreme Court but did not:

But for whatever reason—Cruz certainly doesn't explain in his book—Abbott and he did not take the dildo ban to the Supreme Court. And Cruz, who was already thinking about running for elected office, missed out on the chance to gain national attention as an advocate for the just-say-no-to-vibrators cause. Imagine how his political career might have been affected had Cruz become the public face for the anti-dildos movement.

Yes, lets imagine how his political career might have been if...
The town had a small lake with a plague-bearing dragon living in it and poisoning the countryside. To appease the dragon, the people of Silene fed it two sheep every day. When they ran out of sheep they started feeding it their children, chosen by lottery. One time the lot fell on the king's daughter. The king, in his grief, told the people they could have all his gold and silver and half of his kingdom if his daughter were spared; the people refused. The daughter was sent out to the lake, dressed as a bride, to be fed to the dragon.

Saint George by chance rode past the lake. The princess, tried to send him away, but George vowed to remain. The dragon emerged from the lake while they were conversing. Saint George gave the Sign of the Cross, charged it on horseback with his lance, seriously wounding it. He then called to the princess to throw him her girdle, and he put it around the dragon's neck. When she did so, the dragon followed the girl like a meek beast on a leash. The princess and Saint George led the dragon back to the city of Silene, where it terrified the populace. Saint George offered to kill the dragon if they consented to become Christians and be baptised. Fifteen thousand men including the king of Silene converted to Christianity. George then killed the dragon, and the body was carted out of the city on four ox-carts. The king built a church to the Blessed Virgin Mary and Saint George on the site where the dragon died and a spring flowed from its altar with water that cured all disease. ~ (Saint George and the Dragon / Wiki)

Ted Cruz: he could have converted everyone in his state to Christianity, cured the common cold, and brought artesian irrigation to west Texas! But he didn't. And now he wants to be the President of the United States.

Can America afford another aborted Ted Cruz crusade? No.

Vote Carly Fiorina for President on November 8!