Thursday, August 25, 2016

Kellyanne Conway's Trump Softener - castor oil for the clogged conservative

TrumpReLax and ConwayLax: for soothing relief / alivio calmante of constipating hard right stool irregularities associated with being a right wing asshole.



May cause severe verbal and physical seizures in users with Alt-Right disorders.
Not reccomended for use in Mississippi, Louisiana or West Virginia as it may cause a substantial decline in electoral vigor among users in those states. Prolonged use of this product may cause confusion, anger, paranoia, depression, panic attacks, feelings of betrayal, and involuntary reflexive behavior such as the need to vomit into a Make America Great Again cap. Do NOT purchase ammunition if experiencing symptoms described above. If you experience any of these symptoms, or believe that you may be  becoming more unhinged than usual, please contact celebrity xenophobe Ann Coulter (https://twitter.com/AnnCoulter) at first sign of discomfort.

(No orangutans were harmed in the testing of this product.)


Real Life Trump Supporters Who Use Trump Softener:

Dr. Ben Carson: "I use TrumpReLax daily myself. I frequently inject it directly into the temporal lobe of my brain, and would recommend it as a mandatory treatment for all aliens rounded up and detained within the United States."


Pastor Darrell Scott (New Spirit Revival Center): "It may not be apparent, since I look naturally constipated most of the time anyway, but I use Trump softener regularlly. Especially to ease my own discomfort whenever I run into Caitlyn Jenner coming out of the women's bathroom in Trump Tower or when trying to remember the number of traditional marriages The Donald has created over the years."


Pastor Mark Burns: “After using the Trump/Conway ReLax treatment I discovered I could go back and use different wording that didn't sound quite as stupid as the wording I usually would use."




Omarosa Manigault (Director of African American Outreach for the Trump campaign) who once stated: "More importantly, every critic, every detractor, will have to bow down to President Trump," often consumes entire boxes of Conway/TrumpLax in a single day! As Omarosa explains: "I can safely take Trump softener along with my regular daily prescribed dosage of Perphenazine which I use to control hallucinatory delusions associated with my genuflecting, I mean work, work on behalf of the Fuhrer, I mean Trump!, on behalf of Mr. Trump... and the Trump campaign.


David Duke (Trump supporter and Republican candidate for US Senate seat in Louisiana) says: "I've used Trump softener with some success when applying clever semantic distortions to many of my own positions but I don't recommend its use when wearing white robes to fundraising events."




Sunday, August 21, 2016

Volkischer Breitbarter


Click image to view full size version

Let 'em eat Play-Doh

Donald Trump spends 49 seconds having non photo-op photo taken unloading Chinese Play-Doh from the back of a truck in Louisiana.

Then returns to plane to take nap. Doh!

Where are the truck loads of Trump steaks and pallets of Trump spring water? Or the Trump Home Velvet Berber Blankets?

What, no caviar moisturizer?

Did Chris Christie eat all the caviar moisturizer again!















Or some of these classy thangs right here (via WalMart). Take a dump on Trump!












To always, believe me, remind you who it was that made America great again.


Friday, July 22, 2016

Trumpism

[A] "genus of political ideology whose mythic core... is a palingenetic form of populist ultranationalism."
~ Roger Griffin, The Nature of Fascism (1991).



*

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Kasich Takes Gowanus Canal!


To the buffet! - “We aren’t going anywhere but up..." ~ John Kasich, following his second place finish (behind Donald Trump) in NY's GOP primary race.

John Kasich beats up The Donald in the silk stocking district!

As of this writing John Kasich has 1,591 votes to The Donald's 1,057 with Ted Cruz wiping up at 271. It was closer in Midtown (where Trump Tower looms) with Donald edging out Kasich by 20 votes (Donald J. Trump 300 / John Kasich 280). For what it's worth: Hillary collected 2,260 votes in Midtown while Bernie totaled 1004. So obviously this is a great victory for Trump! Because... just because.

Across the bridge in Brooklyn Ted Cruz impressed the voters in the Hasidic Jewish neighborhood of Borough Park (Brooklyn) by winning there with 817 votes to The Donald's 576 votes. John Kasich pocketed 86 votes from Borough Park despite his best efforts to explain Talmudic genealogy and other stuff of local interest to the assembled chosen faithful.


But in the Park Slope / Gowanus neighborhoods of Brooklyn - did you know my that mother was from Park Slope... did you? Well, she was... - John Kasich hit the jackpot with 273 votes to Donald Trump's 241 and Ted Cruz picking through the ruins with 75.


What does any of this mean? Who the fuck knows. Who cares.

It's on to Pennsylvania where John Kasich will explain water bath canning and the internal combustion engine to the Amish!

Friday, April 15, 2016

Ted Versus the Serpent


Lascivious Texas court of appeals rejects Cruz attempt to whack-off head of silicone nooky monster.

From Mother Jones:
The Time Ted Cruz Defended a Ban on Dildos
His legal team argued there was no right "to stimulate one's genitals."
By David Corn
Wed Apr. 13, 2016

It [the court of appeals] rejected the argument from Cruz's team that the government had a legitimate role to play in "discouraging prurient interests in autonomous sex and the pursuit of sexual gratification unrelated to procreation." No, government officials could not claim as part of their job duties the obligation to reduce masturbation or nonprocreative sexual activity. And the two judges in the majority slapped aside the solicitor general's attempt to link dildos to prostitution: "The sale of a device that an individual may choose to use during intimate conduct with a partner in the home is not the 'sale of sex'
(prostitution)."

Cruz could have appealed the case to the Supreme Court but did not:

But for whatever reason—Cruz certainly doesn't explain in his book—Abbott and he did not take the dildo ban to the Supreme Court. And Cruz, who was already thinking about running for elected office, missed out on the chance to gain national attention as an advocate for the just-say-no-to-vibrators cause. Imagine how his political career might have been affected had Cruz become the public face for the anti-dildos movement.

Yes, lets imagine how his political career might have been if...
The town had a small lake with a plague-bearing dragon living in it and poisoning the countryside. To appease the dragon, the people of Silene fed it two sheep every day. When they ran out of sheep they started feeding it their children, chosen by lottery. One time the lot fell on the king's daughter. The king, in his grief, told the people they could have all his gold and silver and half of his kingdom if his daughter were spared; the people refused. The daughter was sent out to the lake, dressed as a bride, to be fed to the dragon.

Saint George by chance rode past the lake. The princess, tried to send him away, but George vowed to remain. The dragon emerged from the lake while they were conversing. Saint George gave the Sign of the Cross, charged it on horseback with his lance, seriously wounding it. He then called to the princess to throw him her girdle, and he put it around the dragon's neck. When she did so, the dragon followed the girl like a meek beast on a leash. The princess and Saint George led the dragon back to the city of Silene, where it terrified the populace. Saint George offered to kill the dragon if they consented to become Christians and be baptised. Fifteen thousand men including the king of Silene converted to Christianity. George then killed the dragon, and the body was carted out of the city on four ox-carts. The king built a church to the Blessed Virgin Mary and Saint George on the site where the dragon died and a spring flowed from its altar with water that cured all disease. ~ (Saint George and the Dragon / Wiki)

Ted Cruz: he could have converted everyone in his state to Christianity, cured the common cold, and brought artesian irrigation to west Texas! But he didn't. And now he wants to be the President of the United States.

Can America afford another aborted Ted Cruz crusade? No.

Vote Carly Fiorina for President on November 8!

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Causa Nostrum - Paul Ryan Prepares to Pounce


So what will happen to The Don once he arrives on the North Coast for the big convegno at The Q? Or 'Lyin' Ted' Cruz. Or 'Johnny Fluke'. Vendettas frequently require tenebrous bargains and rivalries that may ultimately hurtle headlong into barbarous conflict.

Thousands of angy right-wing cafones waving thumbnail Constitutions and babbling maddly about Mexicans and guns and Jesus H. Christ and so forth are going to show up in downtown Cleveland, Ohio expecting to elect their favorite fanatical whack-a-doodle to the GOP's presidential nomination throne and any funny business on the part of scheming GOP insider elites to hobble the process might turn the gathering into something resembling an Egyptian soccer riot. And that's not good for business.

“When you hunt, let the game come to you.”

Trump, Cruz, Kasich are the current in-running bets for the nomination but an ominous shadow darts across the flat track grounds.

The stench of some terrible fate, carried on a cool breeze off the lake, washes over the infield.

High overhead a scavenging carrion bird circles the horse race.

Paul Ryan says he's not running for President and will not accept his party's nomination for President if offered. Well of course he isn't. Of course he won't. Not now. Not yet. You don't want your prey on guard, looking over their shoulder, when you're planning to sneak up behind them.

"The best friend of a hungry buzzard is a dead horse."

But what if something - just for the sake of discussion - something unfortunate were to happen that would make it necessary for Speaker Ryan to step up - be a stand up guy - and take the offer for the good of the GOP family, so to speak. An offer he can no longer refuse due to circumstances, unfortunate circumstances, yet to be realized.

You knoze what I mean? Just for the sake of discussion, let's just say there was a mess that needed to be cleared up?

We can do that, right? Everyone's ok with that? New York, Wichita, K-Street, 'The Mormon'? What about Wrigley Field? Wrigley ok?

Yeah, sure... everyone... Wrigley had some concerns but we promised them a share of the vendor concessions from the July thing... they'll go along...

That fuckin' clambake in Kennebunk ok with this?

Yeah, shooor, the old lady's got a real hard-on for the orange blowfish. It's personal with her. Even offered to send along a crate of downrigger cannonballs in case we need to do a little catch and release out on the lake.

Ha-ha, maron, that old cooch is oobatz!

Yeah, always looking out for her ragazzi. Spaventoso!



So what are we talking about here? White shotgun?

Yeah, but quiet. No noise. And make sure nothin' disgusting gets poured into the river. My kids like to fish in that thing.

How about that cha-cha-bird from Texas or Canada or wherever the fuck? Where are we with that one?

Call him in for a meet. Make sure he feels comfortable. Doesn't suspect a thing. Badda bing, badda boom and that's that.



Musta' run off to Toronto with one of his media spin-skirts. Make sure the Enquirer gets that story first.

Got it.

What about the Pope of High Street?

Seems harmless, for the most part, just doesn't know when to stop gambling. The guy just won't quit.

Ok. Buy his wife a new Cadillac CTS-V and give him something to do like hosting goulash and dumpling fundraiser nights at the Croatian Party Lodge out there off Lakeshore. He won't be any problem if we keep him happy and busy. We may need him for something later so buy him a fucking suit. The stupid bastard always looks like he just spent the night sleeping on an air mattress in a fucking tent!

Everything needs to be nice and copacetic for when the buzzard arrives. No loose ends, no one making noise, no uncomfortable questions. This is a fuckin' Republican Convention not a fuckin' democracy.

If anyone makes too much noise, like that yappy little radio mutt Hannity, stuff a sock in his mouth and lock him in Fat Roger's supply closet until he quiets down.

So that's it. Anything we overlooked? If not, we're all in agreement here...? Ok, then that's that. Bring the wine and make sure everyone gets a cannoli.

Salute.

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