Thursday, August 25, 2016

Kellyanne Conway's Trump Softener - castor oil for the clogged conservative

TrumpReLax and ConwayLax: for soothing relief / alivio calmante of constipating hard right stool irregularities associated with being a right wing asshole.

May cause severe verbal and physical seizures in users with Alt-Right disorders.
Not reccomended for use in Mississippi, Louisiana or West Virginia as it may cause a substantial decline in electoral vigor among users in those states. Prolonged use of this product may cause confusion, anger, paranoia, depression, panic attacks, feelings of betrayal, and involuntary reflexive behavior such as the need to vomit into a Make America Great Again cap. Do NOT purchase ammunition if experiencing symptoms described above. If you experience any of these symptoms, or believe that you may be  becoming more unhinged than usual, please contact celebrity xenophobe Ann Coulter ( at first sign of discomfort.

(No orangutans were harmed in the testing of this product.)

Real Life Trump Supporters Who Use Trump Softener:

Dr. Ben Carson: "I use TrumpReLax daily myself. I frequently inject it directly into the temporal lobe of my brain, and would recommend it as a mandatory treatment for all aliens rounded up and detained within the United States."

Pastor Darrell Scott (New Spirit Revival Center): "It may not be apparent, since I look naturally constipated most of the time anyway, but I use Trump softener regularly. Especially to ease my own discomfort whenever I run into Caitlyn Jenner coming out of the women's bathroom in Trump Tower or when trying to remember the number of traditional marriages The Donald has created over the years."

Pastor Mark Burns: “After using the Trump/Conway ReLax treatment I discovered I could go back and use different wording that didn't sound quite as stupid as the wording I usually would use."

Omarosa Manigault (Director of African American Outreach for the Trump campaign) who once stated: "More importantly, every critic, every detractor, will have to bow down to President Trump," often consumes entire boxes of Conway/TrumpLax in a single day! As Omarosa explains: "I can safely take Trump softener along with my regular daily prescribed dosage of Perphenazine which I use to control hallucinatory delusions associated with my genuflecting, I mean work, work on behalf of the Fuhrer, I mean Trump!, on behalf of Mr. Trump... and the Trump campaign."

David Duke (Trump supporter and Republican candidate for US Senate seat in Louisiana) says: "I've used Trump softener with some success when applying clever semantic distortions to many of my own positions but I don't recommend its use when wearing white robes to fundraising events."

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