Monday, January 8, 2018

Sloppy Steve Bannon Comes Out From Under His Mattress

Trump family capo "Sloppy Steve" Bannon (when not watching TV with other Breitbart crew members) is reportedly laying low (presumably on, or under, a mattress) in the attic of his Breitbart Social Club in Washington D.C.. Pensively awaiting word on what's to be done with him, or to him, for his alleged role in an apparent attempted media hit-job on Trump family boss Don "Pussy Fingers" Trump.

Bannon, who may not have denied emphatically enough accusations that he betrayed sensitive Trump family confidences to media infiltrator Michael Wolff, has been laying low since revelations about the secretive inner circle of the Trump organization became public last week.

Bannon, considered a family ultra-nationalist, was especially critical of Don Trump's son Don Junior (aka: Donny "No-chin" or Donny "Egg") for his outreach and collusion with foreign Russian "associates". Outreach that capo Bannon allegedly characterized as "treasonous".

Bannon has since denied he was speaking about Don Jr. when speaking of treason, and was, rather, referring to Paul "Paulie Laundry" Manafort the Trump family capo pinched for his reported connections to friends and associates of Trump family shadow boss Vladamir "Possum Face" Putin.

Regardless of who exactly Bannon claims to have been referring to even the impression one might be boot-stomping the boss's son on the carpet in front of an outsider like Wolff is a serious breach of the family's code of conduct. To add insult to injury Bannon - clearly jacked up following his reported assault on the "Egg" - decided to persist with the flogging by offering to Mr. Wolff his unreserved opinion that Don Trump's daughter Ivanka (aka: "Ivanka the Terrible") is "dumb as a brick".

Consequently, this pronouncement from Bannon may have earned her the nickname "Gold Brick" among some members of the borgata (who will understandably prefer to remain anonymous).

A swipe which isn't going to sit well with the dumb brick's daddy who not only considers himself an unassailable monolithic genius by any mortal standard but also considers his daughter a manifest counterpart to the legacy of no-less than Queen Boudica. For the Don daughter Ivanka could have driven the Roman legions from Camulodunum wearing a pair of Kate Spade Santarosa pumps while riding into battle astride an enormous plush bunny rabbit from FAO Schwartz. This flower of strength will forever forge ahead.

All of this might bring to mind the old saying "what the fuck is going on here". But hang in there; it all makes sense if you follow the giant bunny rabbit down the giant bunny rabbit hole that is the Trump family organization.

Now did'ja hear 'bout Louie Miller?
He disappeared, babe
After drawin' out all his hard-earned cash
And now MacHeath spends just like a sailor
Could it be our boy's done somethin' rash?

Breitbart Social Club in D.C.
Back at the Breitbart Social Club Bobby Darin is singing about the menacing nature of sharks and Rebekah "Becky Cookies" Mercer turns up the volume on the portable CD player.

She's been making it abundantly clear to Sloppy Steve that her daddy owns a very large boat - about 75 million large - and this large boat is uniquely suited to traversing large expanses of very remote ocean waters. Very deep remote ocean waters where, if someone were not very careful, and someone were instead excessively reckless, that someone could easily be swept away by very deep and powerful currents. Swept away "somewhere beyond the sea, somewhere waiting for ___." If ya get my drift.

You know when that shark bites
With his teeth, babe
Scarlet billows
Start to spread
Fancy gloves, though
Wears ol' Macheath, babe
So there's never, never a trace of red

These inspiring little sea shanties more than likely impressed upon Sloppy Steve (an old Navy man himself and no stranger to the big water) the importance of clarity of language and the power of metaphor and therefore helped procure the following clarification from the now repentant capo:

"My comments were aimed at Paul Manafort, a seasoned campaign professional with experience and knowledge of how the Russians operate. He should have known they are duplicitous, cunning and not our friends. To reiterate, those comments were not aimed at Don Jr."

Of course. Fortunately for Bannon his co-caposcemo "Paulie Laundry" has other more pressing problems to occupy his time and most likely won't be available for retort since he seems to have gambled away any comeback cash he had left in his cache on a failed long shot influence peddling caper involving a Ukrainian bag-man and the editorial pages of selected media marks.

Paulie Laundry (R) with bag-man Konstantin Kilimnik

Bannon may have bought himself a pass for now but he'll no doubt be taxed for his disrespectful behavior for a while to come. What becomes of the Breitbart Social Club remains to be seen as well although I'd bet the Mercer bakery keeps the cannoli coming as long as Sloppy Steve promises to stop feeding them to his own mutinous ambitions. (There is nothing sadder than a sloppy fat man eating alone in bed.)

PHOTO: (at left) Trump family social media muscle, and former golf caddy to the boss, Dan "Stick Boy" Scavino (wanted for violations of the Hatch Act) with Rebekah "Becky Cookies" Mercer (right) -- (top center) Scruffy Steve Bannon in happier times. -- (also pictured) "Untouchable" Hope Hicks (back left) and Kellyanne "Nails" Conway (front center)

Additionally, Mr. Bannon must agree to stop wearing two or three collared shirts at a time under a sport coat and buy himself a nice quiet respectable necktie. Or one will be provided for him. And it won't be the kind that looks handsome in all the pictures. Cah-peesh?

Random News Picks